Listening to: In this Moment
Watching: Paint dry
Playing: Don't Starve
Eating: buttercream frosting
Drinking: black tea
Intrinsically, I know that lack of movement, means death. To stagnate, is to fall, willing, into the arms of the grim reaper and accept yourself as useless, obsolete, and a failure. To be lazy and unconcerned with your future and growth is to become evolutionary chaff. So long as you breathe, you should make every effort to become more than just your present self. Each step you take should move towards that unattainable mark, perpetuating growth and change within and around you. To live is to march, endlessly.
There is no room for half-assed attempts, even when the reason for the half-assery is my own body failing, I'll continuously throw my battered flesh at the task until either it gives out, or the obstacle is overcome. To stagnate is death. I don't understand the rationale behind a procrastinator, an excuse-maker, or a serial half-asser lamenting their lack of progress. The only things you are not accountable for are things completely out of your control- like the weather, but you are accountable for your own failings. And even if the failure is the result of a larger system breaking down, you are accountable for your part in it.
No, I am not the perfect paragon of self-motivation, the "a-ha!" man, or the one with all the answers. I am not the pinnacle of strength, resolve, or intelligence. I stumble. I fall. I writhe on the ground like a stubborn ant missing its legs. I'll drag my body over glass by my teeth if it means I can continue to move forward. I leave nothing for the journey back because there is no "back". Back is stagnation, nostalgia that deludes you with things that have passed forever. Back is a loop that will entrap you if you glance at it for more than just guidance for the trials of the present. Back is a plot point on the graph, the plane, the polygon of you.
It would be cruel and stupid of me to expect the same of everyone else. We all have different thresholds and because I don't know everyone else's, I expect nothing from them. I suspend judgement and maintain a neutral, supportive state. Everyone is flawed, recognizing this and avoiding the exploitation of it is what makes a person wise and compassionate.
However, my lack of judgement doesn't leave me with a drama free life. Somehow, my efforts draw more drama than they repel. A desire to become that which I find ideal and to remain compassionate, but not involved in other's conflict breeds animosity, envy, and rumors. Busybodies who have no time to do their actual work, but plenty to get into others' business work the worst of their magic because their idle hands give strength to their wagging tongues.
That's how work politics, rumors, garbage headache inducing garbage starts up. You get a few people who are devoted to work, pushing themselves and moving beyond their limitations lumped in with jokers who aren't trying to do much. Your performance attracts envy. If you try to keep your work and home life separate, you deal with people spreading rumors. If you make one, two friends at work and find your interests mesh, more rumors pop up, shit gets started.
The pettiness, bullshit and drama are more exhausting than the actual work.