Blue-Moon-Maiden

Intrinsically, I know that lack of movement, means death.  To stagnate, is to fall, willing, into the arms of the grim reaper and accept yourself as useless, obsolete, and a failure.  To be lazy and unconcerned with your future and growth is to become evolutionary chaff.  So long as you breathe, you should make every effort to become more than just your present self.  Each step you take should move towards that unattainable mark, perpetuating growth and change within and around you.  To live is to march, endlessly.

There is no room for half-assed attempts, even when the reason for the half-assery is my own body failing, I'll continuously throw my battered flesh at the task until either it gives out, or the obstacle is overcome.  To stagnate is death.  I don't understand the rationale behind a procrastinator, an excuse-maker, or a serial half-asser lamenting their lack of progress.  The only things you are not accountable for are things completely out of your control- like the weather, but you are accountable for your own failings.  And even if the failure is the result of a larger system breaking down, you are accountable for your part in it.

No, I am not the perfect paragon of self-motivation, the "a-ha!" man, or the one with all the answers.  I am not the pinnacle of strength, resolve, or intelligence.  I stumble.  I fall.  I writhe on the ground like a stubborn ant missing its legs.  I'll drag my body over glass by my teeth if it means I can continue to move forward.  I leave nothing for the journey back because there is no "back".  Back is stagnation, nostalgia that deludes you with things that have passed forever.  Back is a loop that will entrap you if you glance at it for more than just guidance for the trials of the present.  Back is a plot point on the graph, the plane, the polygon of you.

It would be cruel and stupid of me to expect the same of everyone else.  We all have different thresholds and because I don't know everyone else's, I expect nothing from them.  I suspend judgement and maintain a neutral, supportive state.  Everyone is flawed, recognizing this and avoiding the exploitation of it is what makes a person wise and compassionate. 

However, my lack of judgement doesn't leave me with a drama free life.  Somehow, my efforts draw more drama than they repel.  A desire to become that which I find ideal and to remain compassionate, but not involved in other's conflict breeds animosity, envy, and rumors.  Busybodies who have no time to do their actual work, but plenty to get into others' business work the worst of their magic because their idle hands give strength to their wagging tongues. 

That's how work politics, rumors, garbage headache inducing garbage starts up.  You get a few people who are devoted to work, pushing themselves and moving beyond their limitations lumped in with jokers who aren't trying to do much.  Your performance attracts envy.  If you try to keep your work and home life separate, you deal with people spreading rumors.  If you make one, two friends at work and find your interests mesh, more rumors pop up, shit gets started. 

The pettiness, bullshit and drama are more exhausting than the actual work. 

I still work night shift at the psyche hospital, but my autoimmune condition has gone into remission.  The flare ups that I have had haven't been nearly as bad and doing the physical therapy and exercising on a daily basis has made even the days that I feel like crap seem a lot less crappy. 

You know what they say, if your condition lowers your base line to a level that prevents you from functioning, raise your baseline.

I'm actually working on a few projects atm and hopefully, I'll be able to let all of you in on them sooner rather than later.

The title pretty much sums up my life now.  I work night shift at a psyche ward as a counselor, I often work double shifts when I can, and most of the time my schedule, coupled with my condition leads to me sleeping like the dead for 10 hours and not doing much else.  You can see how this would put a damper on creative juices.  I've accepted that it's all part of the game... but I'm ready to climb and do my best so I can achieve something.

But, you see, achieving and all that shit has to be done carefully when you have an autoimmune condition.  You have to get enough rest, eat well, take your vitamins, do your physical therapy exercises, and stay positive so your body doesn't turn on you.  I've been investing in loads of relaxing beauty items.  Facial masks, foot masks, lip masks....all the masks maskable.  There's something special about ending a hard day of subduing irate patients by sitting in a steamy room, listening to rain sounds with thick goo on your face..  So relaxing. 

Memebox has become my best friend.  They aren't the typical beauty product subscription service.. you can pick and choose which boxes you want.  I'm actually running a sweepstakes starting tomorrow of some rare Memebox items that I tried and LOVED.  snarktopus.blogspot.com/2015/0…  You gotta share the love, you know.

Well, I got some good news today. 

I admit I had been avoiding the doctor for a while because all I'd been getting for the passed while was bad or 'eh' news and medicine.  Can't forget all the prescriptions that are lined up on my dresser gathering dust because the side-effects are worse than what they're supposed to be saving me from.  Well, I went in to have my eyes checked to see if the progressive nerve damage from my auto-immune condition had slowed down or sped up or something and got the most unexpected spot of good news.

My last eye exam- the one prior to this one, showed a continued decline in my sight, a sharp rise in my eye pressure, and inflammation on my optic nerve caused by an obstruction.  This eye exam, however, has shown my condition travelling in the opposite direction.  The inflammation is gone.  The pressure in my eyes has decreased and my prescription for glasses is actually a little less extreme than the one I use now- which explains why things are blurry with my current glasses now.

My condition has stabilized and is apparently reversing itself.  The careful regimen of stress relieving activities, calculated sleep allowances, and medication to combat the damage to my nerve endings is finally paying off.  My hands aren't as shaky, I don't have migraines as often, and my nerve pain has reduced in severity.  I'm so happy that I can't express it in words.

I also somehow managed to get a real, benefits-included, full-time job despite my condition and after a lot of trying.  I hope that things continue to improve, or at least don't slide back to the stressful horror they used to be.  I want to thank everyone who's been looking out for me and making sure I don't worry myself to death.  Having good, devoted friends is all you can ask for in a crisis.  Hopefully, I'll have time and energy to make some new things to post soon. Because, I'm happy to say...

Hiatus adjourned. 

I will be taking a hiatus for the next month or two.  I might post a few pieces every now and then, but I don't see myself creating to the capacity or intricacy that I would like to.  I don't dislike crafting.  I'm not leaving DA for good.  I'm not tired of anything in particular, but I've been feeling rather weak lately and have been avoiding crafts due to concerns with accidentally hurting myself with my tools.

While my neurological problems haven't been as severe as they have been in previous years- I have had some recently increasing issues with seizures, balance, and my vision.  My doctor has told me a number of times that I need to balance the time I spend working and resting so I'm not overtaxing my body.  For a while, I was good.  But, I was so happy with my efforts yielding successes, that I kept taking on more and pushing myself a little further each time that I got ahead of myself.  When I first started feeling poorly again, I tried to continue despite the problems, but my worsening symptoms has convinced me that I ought to follow doctor's orders.  Call me hard-headed and stubborn if you want, but at least I'm not so stubborn that I'll repeatedly show up for an ass-whipping.

That said, I'm going to continue to check DA periodically, but don't be surprised if I don't post, comment, or favorite any new content.  I will try to post and respond when I'm feeling up to snuff, but given the fact that I've been trying to answer the same 5 messages in my inbox for the passed week, I can't make any guarantees